Neither today, Nor tomorrow

Today was an interesting wake up.  For the first time in as long as I could remember, I knew how long my dream lasted.  I woke up at 9 when my alarm went off but decided to wake up at 10 instead.  So I drifted to sleep….

I was in a snowy area, placed in a car no more of a truck.  I’m not sure I am me, more like I was just looking through the eyes, it felt like me but not.  We are driving, 2 men a girl & myself.  I am just looking from the highway down into a valley that is covered in snow that all I could make out was the McDonalds sign glowing brightly.  The mountains surrounding this valley were tall and clouded, but amazing.  The driver said ‘do you see the deer?’ I looked below and didn’t see anything, until he pointed it out.  It was a building on the mountain with antlers attached to the top of it.  I smile & say ‘creative.’  Continuing on the highway there was traffic, so we tried to go around it but it didn’t happen & we almost hit a car merging into our lane, but as we break I brace myself…for nothing.  The driver & his friend speak about their new car with this silent brake system.  We travel to their house & settle ourselves in.  The other girl feels like a friend of mine but I don’t remember her speaking, it is a dream I guess.  Thats when the brothers come into the picture.  It’s like we need no introductions and I’ve met them before.  I have a sense of being comfortable with them.  The brothers are different in appearance and demeanor.  The darker brother has dark brown hair that is almost black, spiky hair the length of it stops above his eyes, which are the only soft feature he has.  His whole appearance says hard.  The younger brother was all soft, no hard features in his face.  He was honest with his soft eyes and his straight smooth hair.  The next event is all of us hearing a commotion outside, we get up and see what it is.  A group of people are outside surrounding something.  The men go outside to join them & I go onto the porch & watch, I see that it is a snow leopard like animal but they all called it something else.  They all say they have to kill it, at this I scream ‘No!’ but it was no use, so I turn my back and lean against the wall of the house, I hear the shot & I cry silently.  It is like the shot was directed at me, it was then that the younger brother came to comfort me & just held me as I cried for that poor animal.  Next event was me sitting in the older brothers lap, my arms around his neck.  It is a sense of being comfortable and having an understanding with a person.  We were smiling & I realized I had to go.  He jokes about me staying while being serious and playful at the same time, I insist I need to go & get up to leave.  He tries to tackle me & in the process we fall on the ground.  I have to step over him to get to the door, so I get my stuff together and l go out the front door to the truck where everybody’s waiting except the two brothers.  We start the car & back up until we hear the gunshot, I recognized it from the animal getting shot.  I jump out of the car & yell his name, the name that has no name, I yell it anyway.  Run inside past the kitchen & see him lying on the floor of his skills & laughing while holding the gun, I realize the cruel joke & walk back outside with a word just the feeling.  They are all silent around me, just assessing me, so finally I say I will just stay & jump out to slam the door. I walk up to the front door & wave them away.  I go inside & see the younger brother in the kitchen making something.  I look over the railing in the hallway & see the older brother just standing below, all I see is his hair.  I turn to the  kitchen & talk to the younger brother.  A pastry of some kind, like a scone but with the consistency of a puff pastry with certain curves.  They are scattered around the kitchen so I mention not to make a mess & to keep them in one area.  He smiles & continues with his work, I help him out.  The older brother comes up, he picks up a milk carton & asks ‘do you have the milk cap?’ and I look around & see it.  I pick it up & turn towards him and say ‘yes’, but in such a way that it wasn’t just an answer but a realization.

I woke up by my alarm, but I woke up to an empty messy room.  I had this intense feeling of important not to forget, the brothers who I need to see again.  They felt so real, My feelings around them were real.  This situation, my dream, I know it’s not logical but the fact that I know I can’t dream the same dream again made me incredibly sad.  It just felt so real, they felt real, the laughs I had felt real.  It hurts I can’t see them again, it kinda shook me.  I wasn’t expecting that.  The brothers who people could say were my very own Damon & Stephan, I can see how I would dream that but usually just dream about their actual characters. I don’t see it that way, I will miss the brothers whose name I don’t know.

A drawing I drew when my class started today.

It happens every now & then, the bad ones.  The small ones happen daily, the medium ones every now & then.  It is the times when I realize just how sad I really have the capacity to be.  I called my father today because he has moved to Indiana away from his family which is what he needs, next to working.  He needs work to feel good about himself but he also misses his family.  My mom made sure I was going to call him because most people know he will be lonely, he has never been a social person & he gets lonely.  When we talked he made the talking point about being lonesome.  He said “Jules I never knew the definition of lonesome, not like you do, how do you deal with it?  I’m just learning about it now but you have learned how to deal with it.”  I guess no matter how well I think I can cover it up people might know in the back of their heads how lonely I am.  It’s said as a plot point in movies and books, the popular girls say how lonely they can be even being surrounded by people, the loner is by definition lonely, & then people who feel phases of being lonely.  I think everyone is lonely, whether or not it appears here and there depends on certain aspects of who they are.  I have been a lonely person from childhood.  It angers me to think I guess I can chalk it up to the horribly stereotypical answer of my parents getting divorced but sadly that is my burden to bear.  From then on I just learned to deal with my own shit in my own way, not bothering other people because there’s stuff they are dealing with too, something more important then me.  I try to find people to make me happy, a line i can hold onto until they are gone & i go right back into the water of feeling alone.  Usually I am ok with my main friend of ME.  That’s what my dad meant mostly, I can be ok just entertaining myself or doing things alone.  I was ok with going to the movies by myself or reading by myself or going places by myself.  For the most part I am, but I really like doing things with other people, who doesn’t?  So thats why I might desperately cling to my friends.  Why my time in college has been some of the worst years of my life.  I miss my friends, the ones who got me everyday & who I could talk to as easy as I breathe.  The ones who taught me how to be a friend.  No one tells you what to do when you have to try to make more of those connections.  Its easy they say, try harder they say.  I don’t what to say.  I just don’t know how, me is not someone most people get accustomed to.  My friends learned to be my friends over years.  I think I’m an acquired taste.  I just am everyday lonely & the times I interact with people are the times, moments, where i get to climb onto a piece of land before I fall off again.  Even being in the arms of someone who loves me, I feel completely alone.  Because I know they leave, everyone has to leave at some point.  Thats what hurts so much, no matter how much happiness you get from friends or lovers you eventually know that ends. A thing they don’t tell you about relationships, of any kind.  When I get sad I get this open space of the thoughts I try not to think about that I know will make me cry more.  I have never had any friends or family who were in any danger of leaving me in that final manner.  My grandmothers have died & often I think I’m a terrible person to not feel anything about them dying other than sad for the people around them, but I am screwed up that way.  I have a Nikki though, I hate that I even bring it up every time I cry & thats its a thought in my head.  But i’ve been playing the What If game since I was a kid.  It gets scarier every time I hear she is getting worse or theres no good news.  I imagine losing her, I imagine it & I just lose it.  She is someone who is an integral part of my life, someone that if I had to lose her, I just don’t know what I would do.  I hate myself for even having that thought because no, she can’t leave: it’s not an option.  In the future plans I sometime allow myself to have, I see me and NIkki & Jerry in various scenarios.  My college graduation, even one time my wedding.  I see Nikki & Jerry in the audience of that event, Jerry dancing with me in such a fashion that Nikki just gives us that look of “Really?”  I knew the moment I knew I was going to have a baby one of the first people I would tell was Nikki & Jerry.When I dreams of grander I thought when I was famous I would say in an interview to go to Confetti Cafe so my fans would.  Death in different things I have seen over time has always been just sad to me, but now it is scary.  A possibility in the life of someone I love.  If I prayed I would say “God, if you had any sense which in past history I just haven’t seen, don’t make this decision.  Let this one be the exception.”  I started out by saying being lonely is part of life, but for me it’s daily life.  The upside was when I had them.  So if this integral person leaves me, the depth of lonely will be unbearable. So therefore I say it’s not an option.  Done & done.

I hate this season, May when the television shows make their decision.  I want to cry several times hearing sadness!  Shows that have succumbed to badness & goodness….

CANCELLED

ABC: GCB, The River (just because my bf & I watched it), 

CW: Ringer, Secret Circle,

FOX: Breaking In, Terra Nova

SAVES

CW: Hart of Dixie, 

ABC: Scandal, Once Upon a Time, Revenge, Cougar Town (on TBS),

CBS: 2 Broke GIrls (better catch up then!), Person of Interest,

FOX: New Girl, Touch 

NBC: Grimm, Up All NIght

Coming Up or Already Happened

Cougar Town Wedding, Glee Possible wedding with Mr. Shuester, Possible wedding in Hart of Dixie, Olivia is pregnant in Fringe, Castle and Becket took the sexy plunge on Castle, Addison finally got her baby on Private Practice, Schmidt & Cece broke up on New Girl, Tyler might have dies on Vampire Diaries & Alaric really did….As  of today